and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
