So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Sober January is a disaster.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
