On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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