What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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