I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
