I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
