sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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