If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
