just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We have started to decorate penises.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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