So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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