why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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