I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
