I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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