well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
