I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
