Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
