Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
