I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
