Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So many bounce houses so little time
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
