I'm eating all of the evidence.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
