My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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