I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
