i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
