She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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