Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
