I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
too bad you live with your parents still
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
