Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
