He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
