I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
