Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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