oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
being pregnant is like rehab
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
