Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
