She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
