why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you never un-have a 4some
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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