I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
