I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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