So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
