so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
