By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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