It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You are a genius and a whore.
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