4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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