What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize