Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
