im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
