life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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