I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
