please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
