I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
