he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is classic penis vs brain.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
