he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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