god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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