My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
