THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
