Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I want to be your penis for a week.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
