Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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