I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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