I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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