Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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