I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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